i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”īut molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident? “if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. My mother shook her head and put the bill down. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY. My mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.” me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography.my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent).my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent).my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent).“does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?” “i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. as a family.”Īnd i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. So the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. So of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that. it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.Here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2: So i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight? how come none of the first wives are the same? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting? why is she taking off her shirt? why are they both taking off their shirts? WHY ARE THEY– Sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old. Here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:ĭisgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!! guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie.
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